God Must Be Busy.

"I know He heard my prayers,  cause He hears everything. He just ain't answered yet, or he'd bring you back to me. God must be busy.♥"

2 months ago my family took a huge devastating loss, my soon to be step sister (in law) was killed on her way home in a car crash. Katie was the most amazing person I've ever met hands down. ♥ She has always been the happiest girl, and no matter what kind of day you were having she always found something good in it to remind you of. I've only been apart of Katie's life for almost 4 years now, and I can honestly say that in those 4 years I've never been sad around Katie and if I was her smile changed my day. She adored Gavin & he loved her just as much. Oh, you should have seen her dance moves... She was somethin'. I remember going to Emily's wedding and watching her bust her moves (even here now with my eyes full of tears, I'm laughing and smiling) especially "the trucker".

2 days after Katie left us I caught Gavin in the living room dancing (by himself, with no music) and staring at the ceiling. I've never had my heart break so much and my face smile so big to see such a sight.

I wish I could have spent more time with you Katie, but I know for now you're hanging out with God. I'll see you soon, keep your eye out on G. As you see he's becoming way to independent & a handful.

All my love. ♥

Whats it like having a 2 year old?

I think this is one of my favorite questions of all time, because everyone seems to think everyone's toddler goes through the terrible two's which freak out every parent who's about to take on a child. Gavin was SUPER easy as a baby so I knew either the toddler years or the teenage years was going to be when I began to eat my words. 

I know that there's times when I'm ready to pull my hair out, scream, cry, and throw in the towel (especially at punishing him) but I wouldn't be half the parent I am had my father done the same thing to me. I was no where near being the perfect child, I wad actually quite the hellian and my best friend was a wooden spoon who I met on plenty of occasions. Now lets get back to the main part of this post, my toddler. I was always told once you think you have your parenting under control to take your toddler into a store and it shows you how far you've got to go... Depending on my 2 year olds mood I've either got it 100% under control or I'm starting at the beginning while temper tantrums are happening in the middle of the store. Sigh, somedays you just really never know.

When I thought about what I should write about 2 songs came on pandora which pretty much summed up living with a 2 year old, "It won't be like this for long" & "you're going to miss this". I feel like I was just heading to the hospital & now we're 8 months shy of having a 3 year old boy. ♥  who is funny, smart, independent, and a boy who loves his momma with all his heart. Now I'm not saying that everyday is a walk in the park but I can tell you the days where he is a complete monster, throwing tantrums, kicking and screaming that it's more than worth it in the end.

So what's it like living with a 2 year old? Well, with my toddler it's pretty cool. Knowing that for the rest of my life someone is going to need me no matter what. ♥

What a life to take, what a bond to break I'll be missing you.

I'll be missing you.

 

 

It's kinda hard with you not around
Know you in heaven smilin down
Watchin us while we pray for you
Every day we pray for you
Til the day we meet again
In my heart is where I'll keep you friend
Memories give me the strength I need to proceed
Strength I need to believe
My thoughts Big I just can't define
Wish I could turn back the hands of time
Us in the 6, shop for new clothes and kicks
You and me taking flicks
Makin hits, stages they receive you on
I still can't believe you're gone
Give anything to hear half your breath
I know you still living you're life, after death.

 

 I lost one of my best friends 8 years ago to something that could have been prevented, one thing I gained out of it was knowledge. Every time this song comes on I start to smile or cry. I've got a heavy heart today and with that being said I'm going to go hold my son a little tighter and tell him some stories of mommy's best friend that he'll never get to know any other way. Miss you Stacy.

Looking back

1. What did you do in 2012 that you’d never done before?

I got my first tattoo.

2. Did you keep your new years’ resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

I barely ever keep up with my resolutions, so no. However for 2013 I have a list of them and I plan on sticking to them. (A couple days in and I'm still good!)

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?Yes, my brother had my neice the day before my birthday! :)

4. Did anyone close to you die?

One of my co-workers did right before Christmas, God bless her family.

5. What countries did you visit?

I didn't visit any in 2012.

6. What would you like to have in 2013 that you lacked in 2012?

Time for myself, I always do for everyone else. It's time that I start doing for me. 

7. What date from 2012 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

August 28th, 2012; which was the date that my brother and his girlfriend had my niece. Also, November 2nd, 2012 was the day that she came home from UVA.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Working hard to provide an amazing Christmas for my family.

9. What was your biggest failure?

I don't do failures, I do lessons learned. This year is what losing the fake friends to find the real ones. 

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

I caught that 24 hour virus which was the worst that I've felt. 

 

11. What was the best thing you bought?

Samsung S3, Gavin's power wheel fire truck and his leap pad. Plus my Rachael Ray pots and pans.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

I'm not really sure, there was a lot of friends/family that did a lot of great things!

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

Actually, this year it was just the people that I thought were my friends, who turned out not to be. No biggie.

14. Where did most of your money go?

Food, bills, Gavin's birthday and Christmas. 

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

My Samsung S3, and my Rachel Ray pots and pans.

16. What song(s) will always remind you of 2012?

Psy - Gangnam Style 

Drake - The Motto

Gotye ft. Kimbra - Somebody that I Used to Know

Adele-Someone Like You.

Adele-Rolling in the Deep.

Old Crow Medicine Show - Wagon Wheel

-Those are just some, i'm not going to make the full list. haha

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:

Happier or sadder? happier.

Thinner or fatter? fatter.

Richer or poorer? The same. 

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?

Taken more risk, spent time with more family, spent time on myself.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?

Dwelling on past mistakes and ideas.

20. How will you be spending Christmas?

I spent Christmas with my family.

23. How many one-night stands?

None, because I don’t roll that way.

24. What was your favorite TV program?

Gossip Girl, seriously. The best show in the world.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?

Hate is a strong word that I don’t use. I have met people this year I do not like personally, so in a way, I say yes to this question.

26. What was the best book you read?

50 Shades of Grey. ;)

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?

Going to my first concert, of course it was ZZ Top.

28. What did you want and get?

Rachel Ray pots and pans.

29. What did you want and not get?

A change in heart.

30. What was your favorite film of this year?

Breaking Dawn Pt. 2.

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

On my 23rd birthday, we went to Blue Mountain and I was a little tipsy.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

Going the whole year without a loss. Friendships, love, family.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2012?

Simple, comfortable, and sometimes business appropriate.

34. What kept you sane?

My 2 year old, crazy as it sounds.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

Taylor Kinney- from Chicago Fire

 Jesse Spencer- from Chicago Fire

36. What political issues stirred you the most?

The ignorance of the American people on certain subjects surrounding the presidential elections and th recent shooting in Connecticut. I don’t have a high tolerance for people pointing fingers and forcing blame or criticism on another party/figure.  

37. Who did you miss?

Stacy. Everyday, every minute, every second. Losing your best friend you never get over, you always remember how you feel.

38. Who was the best new person you met?

MY NIECE, because she was born this year and I’m too bothered to actually think about new people in my life.

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2012:

Change is inevitable, transitions are hard. Understanding will guide you; you just need to allow and accept growth.

Look at the big picture. Be empathetic to others. Live your life how you want and embrace the past.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

"Don't blink. Just like that you're six years old and you take a nap and you wake up and you're twenty-five and your high school sweetheart becomes your wife. Don't blink. You just might miss your babies growing like mine did, turning into moms and dads." -Kenny Chesney

Liebster Award!

Liebster Award!

Thanks to the Terin at Modded Momma, I've been given the Liebster Award!

Liebster Award - an award passed around the blogging community for upcoming bloggers with less than 200 followers and/or for someone that deserves some recognition for their blogging.

THE (bendable) RULES
- Each person tagged must post 11 things about themselves.
- They must also answer the 11 questions the tagger has set for them.
- They must then choose 11 bloggers to tag & award with the Liebster award (nominees must have less than 200 followers). These lucky bloggers must be told in a comment on their blog.
- They must create 11 more questions to ask bloggers they have decided to tag.

11 THINGS ABOUT ME
1. I'm obsessed with Fireproof, I can watch it all day everyday and still cry at the end.
2. I love to sing, but I can't stand to do it in front of anyone (but my husband of course).
3. I'm seriously obsessed with Tard (the cat). She's seriously the funniest cat ever.
4. I'm a country girl at heart. You can take the girl out of the country, but you can't take the country out of the girl. :)
5. I dedicate 99.9% of my time to my child, he's my glimpse of perfection.
6. I have an obsessive compulsive disorder with organizing, but my add kicks in and I never finish. haha
7. I'm pretty in love with my husband even on the days that I just think I can't take it anymore, he makes me laugh and it's all over.
8. I've began living for the little moments in my life that I know i'll never be able to get back.
9. I've only attend ONE music concert in my entire life, ZZ Top. However this year, that's going to change.
10. I seriously put myself last, 1 resolution I'm working to fix. :)
11. I always tell my husband (when I get a new appliance or something that I really want) that i'll always use it. I said i'd wash clothes everyday when we got our washer and dryer, ha that fell fast!!!!

QUESTIONS FOR ME FROM TERIN
1. If you had a band, what would it be called? I'm not really sure of, that's a good question. I'm horrible at music, so it'd probably be Darren who would start a band. haha
2. What's your all-time favorite book? The Love Dare.
3. What is one thing you can't live without? My little boy. Seriously, I'm lost when he isn't home and I don't know what to do with myself when he isn't around.
4. What would you do if you won a million dollars? Pay my house off, get new cars, donate some to charity, pay my parents bills off, and put up for Gavin's college.
5. What's your biggest pet peeve? Hmm... biggest would be the way some people talk. I like to be straight to the point while others want to goof around, ESPECIALLY in a SERIOUS conversation!
6. Do you have any phobias? I am terrified of clowns. It makes me almost have a panic attack, it's horrible.
7. If one song were to describe your life, what song would it be? The song that I want to play at my funeral is "The Boy Who Blocked His Own Shot" by Brand New. I think that's the best song that relates to me.
8. Define PEACE in your own words. When Gavin in sleeping in my arms, it's the most peaceful thing I can ever find.
9. What are the three most important things in your life? My son, my husband, and my siblings.
10. What do you do for fun? Work! haha, kidding. But spending time with Gavin, playing on the xbox, dance parties with Gavin.
11. Your biggest lesson you've learned so far? God wouldn't put you through it, if he didn't think you could make it! Biggest life lesson I've learned.

Another Manic Monday..

Today is the last day in 2012 and were all sitting back and wondering "what in the heck happened this year". Lets see if I can recap most of this year: Gavin started walking in January, Darren started working with VDot, I started to enjoy my job more, we became a closer family, became closer to the friends who has always had our back, celebrated Avery's 1st birthday, fought off Gavin's first virus, Gavin started talking more & picking up after himself, my husband started going back to school, my baby turned 2, I rekindled friendships that I lost, made new friends, finally got my Rachel Ray pots and pans, took my brother out on his first black Friday trip, became an aunt to a preemie baby girl Emmy, became a better sister, a better daughter. As normal there is always the bad things, but if you dwell on those then whats the point in "change"?

As I sit back now and wonder what my ne years resolutions are (because I'm horrible at keeping them), I seem to start out with the most important one first:

1.) Be happy with myself. In my current state I'm not happy with how I look or feel, but I'm ready to change that. Which will mean no more fast food (except coffee & tea, I'm addicted), working out everyday (no excuses, I have an Xbox with Kinect and Zumba), eat healthier foods (if it taste good, spit it out). If I keep up with that I'll be happy in no time.

2.) Be a better mom. I know that many see me as a "good mom" & I'm thankful for that because I try extremely hard, with that being said there is always room for improvement. I don't need to be on my phone as much because that's teaching him that electronics run my life, and with the time less spent on the phone is more time to play with him. Secondly, I really need to expand this boy's food groups. Macaroni and cheese is awesome in portions, not 24/7 like he'd love to eat. Thirdly, I need to get this boy on a better routine & potty trained.

3.) Be a better wife. I give 100% to my marriage when I know I can give 110% to it. Not many people are as lucky as I am to have someone give you so much support when you need it most. I'm going to have dinner ready when he gets home from work, kid all taken care of so when he gets home he can rest. Be better at cleaning so there isn't a lot to do on days off.

4.) Be better organized. I'm going to get this house so organized it'll look like a house in one of those books! We keep talking about things we want to do in the house but if we get it organized we can start on it. Keeping the house cleaned daily is what I need to work on the most including laundry.

5.) Lose all this freakin (sorry guys) weight. I have had it with all this weight and like in #1 a lot of the things that I have done will help with this one. Just need someone to hold me accountable.

6.) Be a better sister. Being the oldest of 5 and running my own family it's rough to stay a good big sister. I'm wanting yo change that, as I have started my own family my brother has too and I want to support him through it. My sister is about to graduate high school & whatever her plans are I want to be there to help her. My other sister is big into her competition cheerleading, I want to at the least make it to 1 of her competitions. My littlest brother is the funniest person I've met but he has a million and 1 things he wants to do, and I'm going to be a huge fan of everything he does.

7.) Go back to school. This resolution I've already started on and found the online school that will let me go at my pace without rush because as you see I live a pretty busy life.

8.) Be a better friend. I have second chances with friends that I never want to take for granted, so thats changing. Although I have a busy schedule I need to make time with them.

9.) Be a better blogger. I added the app on my phone, have a home computer and a computer at work when I'm on breaks that I can keep up with this one.

10.) Not spend money that isnt necessary. This is probably the hardest one for me, but I know I can do it.

11.) Be a better follower of God. ♥

I'm hoping you'll keep me accountable for all of this. :) Until next year, see yah later!

you found me

The other day at work someone asked me "How do you do it?", (talking about the scanner being on when my husband goes to a fire, actually at all times) which leads to this current post. She asked me how I could keep the scanner on at all times and not sit by it anxious when he's on a call. I couldn't really answer it until I sat back and thought a little bit. Her husband is a cop in the city that I live in and so she semi-understands but to her the fire life is a completely different world. My husband and I have been best friends/together off and on for 9 years so, I knew what I was getting into when I took on the role as girlfriend and then wife. We made an pinky promise on October 7, 2009 that no matter what he'd fight to come home. I understood that another persons life came first but that he always had to promise that the Chief would never show up at my door to tell me something I refused to hear. So having a scanner to me being able to hear everything that goes on is a big stress reliever, other than hearing how much families lose on a daily basis when it comes to a structure fire. When it came to answering her question, the only thing I could respond with was a pinky promise that no matter what it'd be him to show up at the front door, and 3 years later that same promise still stands seeing as we have a 2 year old. She then turned around and asked me, what if? What if he doesn't show up at the door or what if the Chief shows up to give you the news that you know you don't want to hear? Swallowing the lump in my throat as we have had this conversation a million and one times what I would tell Gavin if something were to happen, and what I would do in this case. I still couldn't explain what I would do because to be honest, I wouldn't have a clue. I don't want to think about that or even consider the option of him not coming home but as some of you know it's something that we have to take in consideration living the life we do. I told her that Gavin would know the truth that his father went to save someone that couldn't save themselves, that his father went in to help and came out a hero. He isn't a hero that wears capes, because some hero's don't; that our hero wore bunker gear. I would show Gavin the scrapbook that Darren made with fires and wrecks he was at, I'd tell him all the stories that his daddy told me. Because I know that my husband doesn't do it for the glory, he does it to make his family proud and if something happens then that's how the memory of my husband will always be carried. 

"Not all hero's wear capes, some wear bunker gear."